Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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