I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
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I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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