I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
someone threw a dead crab at me
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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