yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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