awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
