You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Can Purell be used as lube?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
