Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
