I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
