I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
