My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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