You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
