Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
