phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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