All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
