How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I think I just sharted jello shots
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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