My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
