Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
