Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
