Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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