Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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