why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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