I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
