Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
