when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
