Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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