maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
