i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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