i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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