Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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