Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
