I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
