so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
