my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
