tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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