Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
