I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
