If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
