I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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