If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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