Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
