Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
