My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
