you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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