Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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