i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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