If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I have already put on my inside pants.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
