Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
