I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
from now on my penis is your penis
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
