I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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