A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
