Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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