We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
