My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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