yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
