the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
