Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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