Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
