Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
