Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
